This is a journal consisting of many nights of writing to sort through this
experience. I don't know where I am headed. There have been days that I didn't
think I would get through this.. I still don't know.. I don't have all the many
things I wrote beginning October 14, 2002- but I do have some fragments... it
might be interesting later to review the loss/grief process/transition..
everything I have studied suggests that everything I have felt is part of
everything documented by researchers into grief and loss... but it is still too
raw and too new for me to process with any real objectivity. Still, parts of me
step aside and look at some of what I have written- and the student in me notes
that the researchers seem to have it right and I am hitting all their noted
points in all kinds of order, in all kinds of combinations - just as they
These are my 1AM ramblings- Fall 2002
5 November 2002, 1AM
this is one of those crazy in the middle of the night things
that I probably won't send..
I need to reach out this moment..
you are the one I think of when I want to run somewhere. I don't know if I
will send this, you are overwhelmed by the problems in your life and not
knowing how to cope with everything going on and not knowing how to get things
back to the place you want with HER.. and I don't want to burden you
with me.. that is something you don't need.. But where do I turn when I need
to pour out this kind of thing????? I don't know.. there isn't anywhere
to go, no one to pour this out to.. no one who cares about any of it except
I am in some kind of spiraling thing
tonight. I came home from a really good lecture, one that made me think for a
long while about the topics, (happened to be Jung and also briefly vigotsky)
but it got me thinking about things- about anima and animus, lots of other
things- and for a few hours, I actually saw some things that made sense in my
earlier life- the days of my young adulthood- things that might have driven me
in the various directions I went. I don't believe any of the psych
theorists had/have the whole picture. They are all like the men in the
joke who were blind and feeling the elephant- they all see a part of the
picture.. and they all have some strong points- combined they almost make up a
whole.. which is what ultimately I am studying.. incorporating what I know and
the new things I learn into some kind of hopefully coherent thing that can
help myself, can help others- someday.. only first I have to know myself.. all my weaknesses, traps, unconscious
stuff.. the motivations behind me... I have spent a lifetime examining those,
now I am slowly finding some new tools to do that with.. and part of that also
from the events in the past month... hell of a beginning to this year for me..
all of my life I have thought of "my year" as beginning with
and then later I was no longer
enthralled by the learning/connecting to the material experience and was
stuck in feeling alone.. no one to discuss this or anything else with.. and no one
to take my mind off of any of the things I was feeling either. It isn't that I
haven't figured out what is going on in my head about you and about your
life- I have.. and I have to work at trying to stay in only friend mode for
you because that is all you need from me.. nothing else.. nothing else ever..
and I can't let the rest of it creep in to any communication with you.. It is
really difficult, but I know my own weaknesses in connection with you and being conscious of
them, I can deal with them.. or mostly.. anyway, I am trying..
but I am feeling more alone than I
did before.. it isn't some new feeling, I have always been "alone" - WE are ALL ALONE... but for some reason I keep coming back to
that. At times the feeling is fairly wrenching- and it feels worse when
I think of it now- this past month's now.... I have no more and no less than I
had before and you are still in my life, but not in the same way.. I think I
needed that little tiny spark of hope.. it strengthened me somehow.. even
knowing it was unlikely to happen, still the spark kept some piece of
me still living
.... I don't seem to be able to replace it.. and I think some hope of a life with some of the things in it that I need, was important to hang
and I know you need things from her
and need to focus on those things for you to regain the happiness you felt with your
life before.. maybe to move to a new place in your relationship with her..
though there is a part of me that doesn't think she is capable of it.. but you
are.. you have the capability to adjust to the fact that SHE will never be
different, but you can be different in how you react to her- which buttons you
let her push and how you treat her in response.. You can make things
better for you with her... you just can't make HER different..
and I wonder how much happiness did
you actually feel in your life?.. and what is it that would make it ok again for you
in your life there- and would that be what you call happy?.. and why SHE can't
see who you are and how lucky she is?.. and I wonder if you will realize that
your self esteem can't be tied to what someone else thinks of you?? and dozens
of other things..
at least this time, I wasn't
wondering about you and your motives and what the past couple of years meant
- though I don't really know what they meant to you.. but those thoughts weren't part of the picture..
all the other things like wondering about you, wondering
about how you will get through this and if SHE will "step up to the plate" so
to speak, is where MOST of my focus goes when I think about you.. not about
the "us" that wasn't.. and I wonder how healthy that actually is to
worry about your happiness and life when I am not sure I have dealt with the
grief part of the loss.. because it is a loss for me.. almost as if you had
died.. but it wasn't you that died.. it was my spark of hope.. and part of the
support mechanism I put into place for my life.. you aren't there for me, and
you can't be.. and even if you could, you can't help me get over this..
nights are always difficult..
sometimes a little crazy making if I can't turn off the noise in my head.. and
since meditation these days is a hit and miss thing- not something I can do
every day as I could before.. nights are worse..
and I can't sleep..
and I need things I can't seem to
have.. and aren't ever likely to have in my life and I wonder why?.. what is it
about me that I didn't find those things? the needs aren't that complicated
and they aren't that unreasonable or unreachable.. only I don't seem to find
them.. so what is it that prevents me???
and now that I am 50, does that mean
I won't ever find them?
I don't know the answers.. and it is
killing me in the middle of the night because it threatens to overwhelm me
it feels like I am giving up some
part of myself.. some dream of not necessarily you.. but a best friend, lover,
soul mate who shares my life and my bed.... it isn't going to be you.. and I
can't imagine it as anyone else...
November 5, 2002 11PM
The day is ending now.. I am tired,
but I got through this one too and I managed to pay attention to the things
going on. Grief and loss were part of the material studied today- from a person
with a new disability perspective. But there is no difference. Everything we
talked about, applies to grief in general- all of the emotions are human
emotional responses to loss- of any kind.
How wonderful that my life is
existing in tandem with my lectures and grad school type group discussions.
I know now that I won't send these.
Someday I might send you a link. It depends on how this ends up.. You want a
"friend"... only I don't know what that really means. I only know one way to
care about you and what is happening with you, and I don't know how to put you
in any kind of perspective. What has changed?
Nothing has changed and everything
has changed. I care about you and what happens to you in the same manner as I
cared before. The difference is that I know that you aren't ever going to want
to spend your life with me. You want to grow old with her. No matter how you put
that, you have rejected me. No matter how you say it, it amounts to a decision
on your part that you didn't want my love, that it wasn't what you needed and it
wasn't what you wanted.. rejecting my love, is rejecting me. I can't see it any
other way. Even still loving you, wanting things to be different, I can't sugar
coat that. Those are the facts.
So what is left?? I can't bear the
thought of acquaintance type emails from you.. and it hurts when you don't seem
to care about what is happening with me, even though I know- I really KNOW that
you can't do that and work on what you need to work on to make your life whole
I wasn't going to respond to your
emails today. It just simply hurts too much. I want to do something to be there
for you as you go through this process, but I can't remove my feelings totally
from the equation. And really I don't want to go numb again. I was stuck there
for too many years. That isn't the place I want to live, and that isn't the
person I want to be. So where do I put my feelings when I respond to you? And
does it matter??? I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want things like this
either. I know they can't be any other way- but it doesn't stop me not liking
it, and it doesn't stop me from wishing it were different. ARGGHHHHHHHHHHH
After some thought I realized that
it might not be good for you if I just simply didn't respond. Either you
wouldn't notice, or you would and then would spend valuable time wondering why.
So I sent a one sentence response. I am glad that you had a good Tuesday. I am
glad that at least when you went home tonight from work that at that moment it
was better than it started out.
Sigh.. but I am not sure where I
am.. I have been crawling up and sliding down for what seems like ages, but in
reality has only been 22 days- only 3 weeks- and it continues but the slides
down aren't as severe for the moment- and possibly they are slowing or
leaving...??? At least I have not ignored my classes and I have moments
when I feel alive and engaged in learning the things I want to know. Re-ordering
my life, rebuilding something from the ashes, sorting out where I fit into my
life without some of the pieces that held it together before- that is where I
need to be.. and the student notes it is also part of the process.